Have you been tried in emotionally charged Kangaroo Courts?
When a bunch of people say they want to `clear the air’, call you to a friendly meeting in their home-grounds, beware that shadow pack-mentality is already in play behind the scenes, and their subconscious minds are looking for ways to hammer you into some sort of submissions. Sadly their minds are already projecting their own shadows on you..and it’s because you are `not accepting’ that they’ve become disgruntled suddenly.. They will keep looking to find behavioral evidence in you that proves they were right about you after all. Anything and.. sadly everything you say.. will be taken as evidence against you..and used to prove only your guilt. It’s a no-justice situation.. !
Question of intention:
Personal meetings start with best of intentions..or so it will seem (groups of friends, in membership organisations, private family circumstances). But the question is …do you or others want a real resolution, or are you all just gunning for someone’s guts under a pretense of `clearing the air’?
Transpersonal concepts to look up (if you really are interested)
- Ego & super-Ego
- Projections and Projection Breaking
- Transference and Counter transference.
a) Avoid meeting in their home-grounds. Neutral places are very important. You need to feel safe and secure, as much as others!
b) Starting states: Are you are already starting with apprehensions, possibly a sense of persecution? Except lawyers, no one goes in to such meetings without apprehensions. Having a friend there is a good idea.
c) Are you a Chicken? Beware goading tactics by others – your confidence or calm posture is the first things people tend to `attack’ (consciously or not). Bombarding you with issues, bringing up real vulnerable old issues are ways others can keep you off your balance. `challenging you’ into a corner, ie asking if you can handle things or not (goading your ego) is another tactics lawyers and naturally clever people use ..
d) If one or more party declares they are not in a good emotional place (due to other factors) or tired from a long day of work etc.. have the common sense and decency to postpone..especially if a postponement has been asked for. Don’t then throw emotional manipulation and force the meeting to go ahead anyway! Physical or emotionally tired situations bring out inner-child tantrums ..it’s grossly unfair and counter-productive to what you ALL are trying or hoping to achieve, and these meetings need to be between adults..not your inner-children.. Playground is best for kids.. not reconcilliation meetings!!
e) During meeting, make sure all parties are seated in a balanced way…no one sitting on a higher chair or lower than others (believe me, that’s actually a clever disempowerment technique! )
f) Find a neutral 3rd party `facilitator’ …not one who is involved in the situation, or has strong bonds with the others (or with you). And when a `facilitator’ has no counselling or psychology training, and is the one self-appointed or appointed by the other parties, that is already a clouded objective situation..!
g) Do not represent your self.. You simply can’t when you are in a highly charged emotional state..and what you say will only be used against you. Even hardcore criminals have lawful proper representations!
h) When others star by saying, we are all friends / family here and this is not a confrontation but a chance to clear the air or resolve matters – don’t fall for that. They may mean well but human nature quickly takes over..and so does mud-slinging, tit-for-tat cleverness, bullying, reverse psychology, playing the victim, turning on the tears and so on. Unless you are God or a Saint, one tiny negative (even perceived) comment WILL evoke an internal defensive or retaliation reaction. Those will simmer and work in your or their subconscious through out, and will seek expression – not immediately, but 5 minutes, 10mins, 2 hrs or even 5 months later!
i) It is best to enter these `meetings’ with plenty of safeguards of neutrality, objectivity and arbitration.. There is huge potential for making matters worse!
j) When someone keeps accusing another of a particular action, there is 50 – 50 chance that a) they are making a real observation and/or b) they are projecting their own `stuff’
k) `I hear you’ is not the same as `I understand’.. and `I understand’ stated in the heat of a meeting does not necessarily mean they or you do understand on an emotional level. Thinking & Feeling are on opposite ends of the spectrum in Psychology!
l) Often a single meeting is never enough to get to the heart of issues. Time needs to pass for all to absorb what each other have said, and further meet-ups are required..
I shall look through my years of Counselling & Psychology training notes, and add more tips here later..
ps. Originally posted as a `Note’ in my facebook page. Find me on facebook ..look for my page.. Mani Navasothy