Our psyche in knots: Remembering & releasing our Dead .!
Moon in Cancer today… so it’s not surprising to see some posts here from few friends.. someone’s father died few days ago and she is having an astral farewell. someone else is suddenly remembering her mother passed away 4 years ago this time. And someone else is trying not to remember when their mother passed away.. around this time.
All these are painful.. and those memories stay deep within our psyche, getting buried deeper and deeper each passing year.. and causing the individuals discomfort, trauma, inner pains…. if they are not `opened up’ and eased, faced and released.. !
Am not at all being all `wise’ or `preachy’ . I know this pain very well. After my father died in a road accident, I went into some denial mode ..(slotting into `man of the family’ mode). Gave up University residence..moved back home .. The first 2 years were fine.. then my University grades started to drop..fails..repeats.. even an actual kind-out. I was not into parties, no relationship during the entire university time.. Just small stuff.. fitness, writing novels, painting.. yet life went down down down.. I missed my father much (though the end of his year was not good at home.. fights etc due to his flaws). But so many regrets.. I’d look at this funeral photos regularly and privately..(would not show it to mum or sisters but I’d be reliving it.. again and again).
This went on for almost 5-10 years!!Through it all, my spirituality took a dive. I became anti-religious.. then suicidal due to all my educational failures.. and somehow pulled through and found pagan spirituality.. and life started a positive upward spiral.. (and here we are).
I recall a point where I said enough was enough..and sealed his photos.. threw away some of his small precious possessions..(Only kept his broken wrist watch that had stopped at the time of his crash/ death and one ball point pen.. that I had placed in his hands for a short while in his coffin! Oh believe be I got dark in those years that people can not imagine.. After seeing some tribal film, I even thought I might drink his ashes in water!)
My Life only took off for me, after I released my father’s death from my psyche. I had thought to finish his life’s work.. his scholarly studies.. his Phd.. but then finally chose that I have my own work..and life to live.
In case people don’t know.. I was 5 years old when I saw my grandfather pass away.. and while his body was in the house for few days in a open coffin.. I lived in that house.. and played as a boy. My uncles and aunt kept me busy (mother was far away having just had my 2nd sister and was with her parents.. Father was busy with whatever her needed to do.. I only remember my uncles and aunt keeping me busy those days..)
Since then I have seen many relatives pass away before me.. As priest, I’ve even performed `pasing rites’ to terminally ill comatose loved ones.. and they then passed within hours.
As much as I don’t like to.. death defines my life.. (and this is perhaps why when it comes to do Dark Lord / veil stuff in pagan rituals for autumn/ samhain.. my energy clicks in fast and deeper than anything else).
I chose few years ago to click into Life.. and only `open up’ the Dark Lord energy in me at very specific seasonal times.. And as The Doctor (who) once said, `the name we choose is a promise we make to be who we are’…. and it’s no coincidence that the name I have currently on facebook (Mani Morningstar) is chosen for this time.. I may keep it or I may change it in a few months.. we’ll see how far I need to work that energy ..for my self and for the world. I don’t preach ..well I do..but with a lot of explanations.. like this one, so people know where I am coming from.. Not from a metal egocentric place of power and control.. but from a heartspace of compassion, empathy and love to want to help others in inner-turmoil.
If I can help.. I will do my best.Even if I or anyone else can’t help you.. YOU should go deep within.. (like the late Maureen helped me do in pathworkings and meditations back in 2001-02) to those key issues of loss of a parent.. and face them.. and resolve them. (I once cut of the head of my own father in a pathworking.. That was not malicious.. it was resolving a sub-personality or an energy that had consumed me for so long).
so take what you `Will’ from this.. and make your inner-samhain journeys… Don’t let the beloved-Dead sleep long within you and leach your energies and powers and live as zombies and vampires within your psyche. Let them go with love and light.. to the divine.It frees your heart to love again.. your self..and others.