Tears, Fears and secret Deals with Gods & Devils.
(aka. Reflections on Death!)
Everyone is panicking..have their perfectly justified fears to process and overcome.. That’s human nature.. and I do wish all the best in this..and I keep waking up.. far away from some of my loved ones (sister & nephews.. partner & kids).. I try to do something useful and positive everyday.. for their sake.. and for my sanity…and for all my friends on social media.. And not once so far had I crumbled.. I’ve managed to keep my faith and belief..and shoulder others’ fears and gently support and empower them..
During a telephone call to my partner last night.. I was thinking about the kids being locked in house for months is going to drive the little kids crazy.. and their mothers insane!! I also thought about what I can do from afar.. buy play-stuff and send to them by post.. Do some fun videos ..and share with my nephews and partner’s kids.. Just some ideas. It’s all been fine. Spirits up.. motivations high.. Faith in future. Be a beacon of hope etc etc.
But today.. today during a drive, while thinking about making videos for our kids (possibly just a private channel) I was suddenly overwhelmed..and got tearful..!
What if…just a micro-nano-If.. that I don’t get to see them? These videos or whatever I send them might be the contact they get.. and the last time I saw them ..will have been the last time..
I’ve had 50 years …and been done and seen things…. Of course I want a bit more time with my loved ones.. But if it comes down to it.. I am expendable..
I know..I know.. I’ll get back to my positive self posting silly jokes again.. in a moment.. But just for a while.. am happy to sit with my own vulnerabilities ..and my fears.. and if it comes to it.. my sacrifices. Because.. despite our best hopes and faiths, there is a distant possibility.. of losses and pains.. And sometimes facing our shadows is better in the long run.
Some guy outside a shop was saying to someone else.. `if we are going to loose 50,000 people, let’s have it all tomorrow..and be done with it..’ That on the first instance is a horrible thought. But it is a knee-jerk reaction, with an underlying fear-filled heart.. He was just trying to make it safe for himself. (I just hope he factored in that he himself might be one the 50,000 he thinks should die the next day.. !)
But seriously, how do we choose.. ? (not that we have the option!) which 50,000 are going to perish.. so that rest of the 65 million can live? Let’s get dark.. What if each one of us is given the divine choice to pick someone to die ..that 50,000 of us are given that choice to nominate a name.. from our midst.. so that the nation of people can live. A trade off! Can we choose someone else … 50,000 someone else.. to die so we can live? Or will 50,000 of us step forward and say `we’ll offer ourselves to Gods & Fates, so that our loved ones may live? Which option will you take? what will you endure?!
It’s only March …not yet July.. and too early for Lammas sacrifices.. But pagans have had this concept embedded within us .. Mothers & Fathers, brothers & sisters ..have been making these deals with their Gods & Devils for aeons….to save their loved-ones! So these trade-off thoughts are nothing new to some of us.. (Yes even to me!)
Loss of lives may be a statistical reality under current circumstances but it is not an emotional option at all for me.. not at all!!
`Everybody Lives!’ As an esoteric magician .. that’s my goal… and my prayer!!